Unsettled and Unwilling to Settle #8

3 lessons I’ve learned from putting our dog down.

Lessons I’ve learned from losing a pet:

Last Saturday we had to put down our sweet curmudgeonly Shiba Inu at the ripe old age of almost 14 years old.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Roxee had been diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer 4 months prior. She had a lump on her right front paw that kept growing and eventually got infected. In June she underwent a surgery to have it removed, and for a few months she seemed to be doing better. We were able to hike again, take long walks on the beach, zoom around the park, and people watch at coffee shop. But a month ago, new tumors were popping up and getting infected, just as the vet warned us they would.

When the vet suggested we try chemotherapy, it was tough for us to consider making Roxee suffer through nausea, vomiting, or anymore pain. But apparently only 15% of pets experience side effects from chemo, so we tried it out to see if we could give her another few months to a year of peanut butter, car rides, and fetches.

But the last few weeks have been too much for us to let Roxee bear.

While my partner Mike and I knew that Roxee was slowing down, we thought that we just needed to get her through the temporary hump of an infected tumor, come down on her chemo dosage, and start steroids. After that, she would feel well enough for a few more months to warrant keeping her alive through the 1-2 bad weeks.

But a week before we put her down, Mike’s mom gave us a rude but very necessary awakening. She had only seen Roxee’s very bad days- trembling in pain, having difficulty climbing the stairs, with bleeding/infected tumors. And she hated seeing Roxee suffer. She told us we were being selfish for keeping Roxee alive despite everything she was going through.

Lesson #1: It’s hard to hear things you don’t want to. But that’s a signal to pay attention.

While it was easy to dismiss Mike’s mom as biased with incomplete information, her perspective was still valid. Even though we thought we could get Roxee through this temporarily tough period, Mike’s mom forced us to step back and look at the bigger picture-

1. Roxee was forced to be coned most of the day to prevent her from licking her itchy tumors so they wouldn’t rupture and get infected

2. She was diapered most of the day because her pain meds were causing her to dribble urine.

3. She was taking anti-nausea medications, antibiotics, chemo, and pain meds 4 times a day.

And in the end, her pain was so bad despite around the clock pain meds, she couldn’t lay down comfortably, let alone sleep. After seeing her like that for half a day, we decided to put her to rest.

I’ve learned that when I’m confronted by something I really don’t want to hear or brings up a lot of internal resistance, that’s probably when I should pay the most attention. Being easily triggered by a certain topic indicates that there is internal struggle that needs to be resolved. In this case, Mike and I had already known logically that we would eventually have to put Roxee down, but we had not yet begun to emotionally prepare ourselves to say goodbye. And even though it was really difficult to hear, Mike’s mom forced us to start accepting that we would have to let Roxee go sooner rather than later. And to her credit, Roxee is no longer suffering anymore.

This translates into business as well.

When we first decided we wanted to build a business together, Mike and I were actually set on buidling a hypnosis tool for coaches to use with their clients. I was confident in the efficacy and efficiency of hypnotherapy, given my personal experience and my research into the medical literature. I even started getting trained to learn how to practice clinical hypnotherapy on clients. But our interviews with coaches indicated that the market wasn’t ready. People had scary misconceptions people had around hypnosis and mind control. We would have to do a lot of educating to essentially create a market, which would be an uphill battle that we weren’t quite prepared to handle right now.

Lesson #2: Don’t always listen to the professionals.

Before we had taken Roxee to the cancer specialist, she had been managed by her primary veterinarian, who had always been incredibly caring. He not only treated Roxee with a lot of love, but he was also very conscious of not ordering unnecessary labs or imaging that wouldn’t change her treatment. This was appreciated for two reasons:

1) Blood draws, x-rays, and biopsies aren’t comfortable for Roxee. Many of the procedures would have required for her to be sedated, which is always a risk.

2) These interventions can be quite expensive. So if it wouldn’t help Roxee enjoy the last days of her life, why do them?

But towards the end of her life, we were getting more and more concerned about Roxee’s discomfort. One of the infected tumors on her paw was getting swollen and causing her to limp. We took her to the vet, who started her on antibiotics and painkillers that seemed to help after a few days. But we began to notice Roxee acting differently- crying out of no where, pacing a lot, having a difficult time getting comfortable, and being less playful. We had a feeling that it wasn’t just the tumor on the paw, but likely tumors inside her body that were causing her discomfort.

We brought her back to the vet who saw that she was no longer limping and seemed to have normal levels of energy. He refilled the painkillers, reassured us that Roxee was doing better, and told us to continue the chemo. But we knew that something was wrong.

A few days later, we spoke with a cancer specialist who told us Roxee only had a few months left at most, recommended we decrease the dose of chemo, start some steroids, and see if she might feel any better. If not, it might be time to say goodbye to her. And only a week after our visit with Roxee’s primary vet, we had to put her down.

I don’t hold any resentment or blame Roxee’s vet for being unconcerned about her condition. During that last visit, she did look better than the previous time he saw her. But I’m glad I trusted my instinct to find a second opinion and to know when to put her down. We knew our girl the best, we knew when she was suffering, and we knew when we had to let her go.

As we’re building our first business, trusting ourselves has been quite relevant in our startup, too. Mike and I have been turning to professionals for help with our design, marketing, and overall strategies. It makes sense to listen to their advice, given their years of experience and domain expertise. However, I’ve learned to listen to my gut as we figure out what makes the most sense for our business. We know ourselves, our resources, and our vision the best. So even though professionals may be telling us the “right” way to do things, we’re choosing to do things our way. And it’s only worked in our favor.

Lesson #3: Trust that life will give you what you need, when you need it.

One of the most important lessons I’m continuing to learn everyday is to trust the process.

Roxee fell into our laps right around the time I quit medicine and started working from home all day. She was the best gift during this crazy transitional period- reminding me to go outside for regular walks, to be present and play every once in a while, and to always be down for adventure.

Whenever I got caught up in my head about maximizing productivity and/or improving my finances, Roxee would remind me that I’m already living my dream life now. I get paid to coach people on the phone while I walk my dog around the beautiful neighborhoods of the Bay Area. What more could I ask for?

As we ramp up on building this startup (we’re finishing up our minimum viable testing round, polishing up our algorithm, and starting to charge people), life is likely going to get crazier. I won’t be able to take Roxee on as many hikes and beach outings as she deserves. So maybe it’s fitting that it was her time to go.

Even though I miss her like crazy and will scroll through PetFinder.com every few days looking to fill this hole in my heart, I am trusting that life will bring another furbaby into my life when the time is right.

And as I navigate this latest chapter of my life that is focused on building Let’s Coach, I’m reminding myself to not get caught up in the daily challenges or setbacks that come with entrepreneurship. Every closed door so far has led us down an even better path, whether we knew it in the moment or not.

So in Roxee’s memory, I will continue to learn to trust that life will give us what we need, when we need it. In the meantime, I’ll keep rewatching this video of our cousin walking the cutest, most stubbornest, and my absolute favorite girl <3